The Wandering Mind

“So after a year and 6 months, it’s no longer me that you want. But I love you so much it hurts. Never mistreated you once. I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard swear to god. I’ll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms.” - Eminem, Space Bound

This entire situation, this break-up was a huge eyeopener for me. I finally realize that she isn’t meant for me.

3 times we’ve broken up. 

But this last time was more disappointing than painful (although it did hurt a lot).

I’m disappointed that, despite how much I meant to her, how she claimed “you’re the best boyfriend I’ll ever have” and “you’re the best thing to ever happen to me”, she still ditched the relationship because she got hurt.

To me, if I said those things (which I did), I wouldn’t just walk away from a relationship because I got hurt. To me, that just makes me feel like you weren’t even in it as much as I was to begin with.

Now, I know I hurt her because I made her feel like the things she did for me didn’t matter. I was negative and it’s my own fault and I take responsibility for not controlling my thoughts and emotions better. Thing is, she did the same thing to me too in a slightly different way and I still fought to keep a relationship with her.

Countless times have I been doubted. Countless time’s I’ve shown my affection and love in many ways she’s never had and she still says to me…

“I don’t believe you, this all feels so superficial to me”. 

“Whatever”

“Don’t feed me that bullshit”

Each time I was doubted and discouraged, it ripped me up inside, made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and I wasn’t good enough but I still didn’t walk away, I continued to try and make this relationship work.

I hoped that she would fight to make this work as I did, that she wouldn’t just walk away when things got bad. I always fought during the bad times, all the times she was just as negative and unbelieving, I never gave up on her and I kept trying despite how discouraging she was. But when it’s my turn and I get negative ONCE,  she walks away.

All the bad I’ve done was never intentional, I would never make the woman I love feel like shit on purpose.

I make a lot of mistakes, I’m not perfect. She was the first to call me out on a lot of my bullshit and I learned from each of them and grew. I haven’t made the same mistake more than once with her.

3 times we broke up. The last 2 times was because I hurt her and she walked away without giving me the chance to right my wrongs. I never cheated, never hit her, nothing like that. Both times I let anger and negativity push her away. And both times she never gave me the chance to make things work.

But when she was angry and negative, I stood by her side and tried to make things better, make things work. She couldn’t do the same for me.

It’s so disappointing that all the good we’ve shared together wasn’t strong enough to keep us together to work things out, at least with her.

So disappointing…